I was walking home from campus on a Wednesday evening. The sun was almost setting; it was giving off the ever glorious red orange glow and a few rays through the clouds. This was the evening to fall in love.
The way our estate is set up, you’ll have to walk up a hill that is of unleveled ground with an array of rocks. The distance is about 3 kilometers and since I had made the resolution to live healthier and lose some weight, I had decided to walk home. On this lovely day, I had worn my new (stolen from my sister) heels, doing my lazy stumbling walk, mostly stumbling ,and still trying to manage to walk as feminine as I could to which I was failing miserably .
My goal was to get home as quick as I could and get out of these uncomfortable shoes and like a scorned dog, put my tail in between my legs and give this shoes sent from hell to torment me back to my sister. The universe does not work that way, does it now? Karma and all her grace was weaving an intricate plot to get back at me.
Halfway through my ordeal, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I let out a ‘what now’ sigh and turned around. I was met by a tall dark handsome guy; my eyes were having a visual feast. He was not in a shirt but wore work out shorts and may I say I held back literally salivating on his perfect physic. He had pecs that looked like perfect crescent shaped moons with six accompanying stars. Don’t get me started on his arms and legs, on second thought, do get me started because he looked like he was manufactured in a laboratory with muscle, brawn and everything hunky.
He introduced himself as Nathaniel, who was in the neighborhood visiting and had decided to go out for a run. I half expected him to ask me for directions or ask me why I was walking like I had fire ants up my loins but surprisingly he said that he ‘would not pass a beautiful lady without talking to her. Ha! I instinctively started looking for the beautiful lady he was referring to. He thought I was making a sarcastic joke and I played along after realizing it was me. I was his beautiful lady, in the glorious sunset and in my ill-fitting stolen shoes, I was s his beautiful lady.
We were having a pretty amazing, intellectual and easy going conversation. He came off as a nice guy who had a lot of things in common with me. In my head I was thinking,” where oh where have you been all my life”. My milkshake mostly brings the ;cannot make a good English sentence, looks like a thug, has never heard of a tooth brush, will not keep his hands to himself, won’t stop looking at my milkshakes, guys to the yard and this was a breath of fresh air to me.
Everything was perfect, for that moment it was perfect, and then a bug decided it was the most opportune time to fling its entire body in my eye!!!! Not just any bug, no sir, the tiny monsters that release a stinging liquid. Never in my entire life have I ever been in such a dilemma, on one hand is this dashing man who looks like he was a sculpture that had been perfected and was made human and on the other hand was this annoying, monstrosity of a bug busy having a soiree in my eye. I had two options; either screams, rub my eye to try and get the bug out while making a fuss then ask for his help or two, try blinking in hopes it will come out on its own and my ordeal will be over before he even notices a thing. I gave it a hard thought and weighed on the options and choose option number two, blinking. I tried to do it as seductively as I could. I know what you are all thinking and busy judging me for but trust me when you are in the presence of a man whose butt looks like the sun rises on one cheek and sets on the other, your brain conveniently shuts down discarding the billions of years of evolution.
Just as I think relief is well on its way and I have successfully gone through my ordeal like a woman warrior another one of those pesky bugs goes into my other eye. This is where my mind starts to spin, is the universe trying to tell me something or is this just a coincidence. Now I am blinking both eyes still trying to look seductive while stumbling in my uncomfortable heels because I am now blinded. I must have looked like I was having a full blown seizure. My, oh my, I was not a pretty sight! Nathaniel now noticed my discomfort and asked me what the matter was. I started to explain to him about the bugs and I honestly wish I was making this up but another one of those bugs that seemed were hell bent to keep me and my Romeo apart flew into my nose, yes, my nose.
Let’s pause here because I need to declare that I was not, still not and never going to be ashamed of the events that followed.
I instantly bent, removed the heels and hauled ass out of there. Literally ran away very abruptly, without any warning or anything else until I was home. I did not even look back to try and see his reaction. Poor Nathaniel, I must have spooked the shit out of him, one moment he is having a great conversation with a pretty girl with a slight limp then in a split second she is barefoot, running away with bloodshot eyes without any warning. Thinking of it now I must be his maximum level of his bat-shit-crazymometer and one of those legendary stories that are told by friends when anyone says they can’t understand women then passed down from father to son as a warning.
I do not know if our union was to bring the apocalypse maybe send the world to the fall of civilization or the earth would have spun out of its orbit and be flung into space but whatever it was I know bad luck when I see it and the universe was telling me to nope the hell away from him or the rest of my body shall be invaded by the tiny chaotic stinging bugs.
Dear Mr. Nathaniel I hope you read this and finally understand what happened on that fateful day but I hope we never meet again because I am not sure my eyes and nostrils can take it again.